He Wanted a Guarantee

I had a most interesting telephone 'interview' from a gentleman who wanted to determine if I were the right therapist for him. He was quite familiar with various schools of couples therapy. He had asked if I were familiar with a site about marriage and marriage therapy, and I was not. He said the site spoke about the need to be "marriage positive," and that most couples therapists were not. He asked me whether I was or not.

I answered that I liked marriage and personally liked BEING married. And divorce itself causes terrible harm.  I have the title "Marriage Friendly Therapist," so I imagine yes, I'm marriage positive.

He asked whether I worked to save the marriage, or for the benefit of the individual. What a great question.

I told him that part of the problem with having a successful marriage was a fusion or 'enmeshment' between the two partners that made having a happy marriage impossible. I didn't see it as simply as being "for" a marriage or "for" an individual, but I knew what he meant.

Sometimes a therapist can develop a personal bias that comes out in their clinical work that "marriage" can somehow "restrain" the individual, preventing them from reaching some greater "potential."

I told him that wasn't my perspective.

I thought of relationships as an avenue that can help people to "grow themselves up," but it takes two. The decision to divorce is always a unilateral decision that either person can make at any time.

He told me that he believed that the therapist's (I'm paraphrasing here) 'mental set' about making the marriage successful was crucial in determining whether the couples work would be successful, and he wanted to know if I were able to make that sort of commitment to his marriage.

I could not.

I didn't know anything about his marriage, or him, for that matter.

I had never even spoken to his wife.

How could I provide him that reassurance?

What would it be worth if I did?

Apparently, he had received these types of assurances in the past from other therapists, and that scares me.

How could anyone give an assurance that just by the way I think, that power will change HIS marriage...

Wow.